Parenting

Praise That Helps vs. Praise That Hurts

May 7, 2026 · 4 min read

You mean well when you say "you are so smart!" after your child aces a test. But decades of research from Stanford psychologist Carol Dweck shows that this kind of praise — praising ability rather than effort — can actually reduce motivation and increase anxiety.

Why? Because if success means "I am smart," then failure means "I am not smart." And children who believe intelligence is fixed avoid challenges that might reveal otherwise.

The Evidence

40%

decline in persistence on hard tasks after children are praised for intelligence

67%

of children praised for effort chose harder tasks on the next round vs. 33% praised for ability

5 yrs

old is when children begin internalizing what type of praise means about them

Better Praise

Praise the process, not the person. "You worked really hard on that" instead of "you’re so smart." "I noticed you tried three different strategies" instead of "you’re a natural." The focus shifts from who they are to what they did — which is something they can repeat.

Describe what you see, not what you judge. "You spent 20 minutes on that drawing and added so much detail" instead of "that’s beautiful!" Description feels more honest to children than evaluation, and it tells them you actually looked.

Normalize struggle. "This is the kind of hard problem that makes your brain stronger" reframes difficulty as growth, not failure. Kids who hear this seek challenges instead of avoiding them.

"Becoming is better than being. The growth mindset allows people to value what they are doing regardless of the outcome."

— Carol Dweck, Mindset: The New Psychology of Success (2006)

Swap one "you are so smart" for one "you worked so hard on that" this week. Watch what happens to your child’s willingness to try hard things.

Celebrate effort, build resilience

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